“In the depth of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer.”
Albert Camus
Life is weird right now. I have everything to live for, but I feel pretty lousy. Maybe lockdown is starting to get to me. Man, life is weird. I find it impossible to imagine what it’s like to not live, to not exist, but I don’t feel like I’m really living right now*. I am in my room 21 hours a day, only leaving for essentials like meals, to use the bathroom, and to exercise. Days pass by and they all feel the same. My online classes give some demarcation for the passing of time, but after a while it all gels together into this continuous onslaught of information and learning.
I want to do everything and nothing, all at the same time. I regret not putting myself out there, pushing myself out of my comfort zone more often, I regret that I haven’t gone on the trips adventures that I think about and fantasise loving. Could I have changed any of this is or is it out of my control? Is anything in my control outside of my thoughts? Going back into lockdown has reminded me of what it feels like to be constrained and restricted, with no way out without the threat of guilt or consequences. I have control; I have no control.
This feels beyond bleak, but I think it is the escapism of fiction, nonfiction, and merely thinking about how utterly insane everything is that keeps me going and moving along with my life. That, and those dreams of the future. The dreams to hike, to bond with people, to have fun outside of the 4 square walls of my room. The internet is vast and expansive, but I want more. I want to just have a good time.
I want more from life. I feel like I have accomplished so much and yet so little during my time here on this planet. The analogy goes that if the history of the planet were a year, then humans have only existed for the last thirty seconds before new year. Am I the blink of an eye? Even less? It’s wonderful and horrible all at the same time. Given the infinitesimally small odds of me existing, I find it amazing that I wake up every day and do something. In my small existence on this rock, I have lived for 19 years and each second of it contributed to who I am and who I am not. Do I love all of what I am, what I have become? I am not sure, but I believe it’s something I need to continue working on.
This life is tiny, and I want to make the best of it. I want to hike trails through beautiful wilderness, speak new languages in foreign countries, eat delicious food, and have people to share it all with. To me, that is “the good life”. Le belle vie. The “je ne sais quoi” to my future. That future certainly looks very uncertain right now (which has become a catchphrase of the past couple years), but I believe it is the thing that is keeping me somewhat sane through all of this chaos. That and good company.
But, who am I to say any of this? The fact that I can sit here, have the time to write to you through this website, puts me far, far ahead of most people living on this planet. I already have what many dream of, purely because I was born into the right family in the right place at the right time. I never earned any of this. Why do I of all people get to have this? While I believe I am aware of this privilege, I don’t think I would want to give it all up. Is that selfish of me? Possibly. While I wish no harm or suffering on anyone else, giving up the life I’ve had would entirely change who I am as a person. It becomes hard to fathom who I would be.
I don’t know why I am here, especially here writing to you, but I find this therapeutic and somewhat cathartic to allow my thoughts to formulate on the page. This essay was originally a very messy jumble of thoughts, but I hope you found something of use within this marginally more organised stack of thoughts. All I know is that, in the end, everything is going to be fine. I have hope. Everything is going to be fine.
Epilogue: As a disclaimer, all of these thoughts are subject to change and maybe I won’t have so many existential spirals when we come out of this lockdown. I’ve had a lot of these thoughts on my mind as I have lived through this pandemic, but the final inspiration to actually write a lot of this down came from Savannah Brown’s video, “life cheated us all and i’m full of angst”. I was recently recommended their channel by a friend and this one stood out to me.
* This stems for my current belief of there being no afterlife. I am secular, and have been for a while now, and I have no problem with religion. You are welcome to believe in whatever you like, but I think it is not something for me, during this period of my life.